woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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