i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
