I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
