Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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