I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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