fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
