Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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