So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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