im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
