So drunk its hurt
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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