i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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