Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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