don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
