right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
