I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You are the jesus of drinking
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
