My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
