ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
