her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
