kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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