He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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