you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Randomize
