just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
