Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
