woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
