I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My ass is underappreciated
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
