Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize