I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize