apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
