I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
