dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize