i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
A+ Viking dick
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
