mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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