Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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