I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
