I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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