here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just invented taco cereal.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize