just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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