I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
