i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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