I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
