Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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