Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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