Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
40s are totally the cure
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
