last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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