Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
