Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize