i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
