I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
