I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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