I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Your dad touched me again.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
