you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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