There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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