What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
