I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
