i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
