Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
