If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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