He disabled his match.com account in front of me
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
