i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
