Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
