Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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