Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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