We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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