Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
