In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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